Today I felt restless. It was an intense feeling of anticipation verging on the cusp of anxiety. The worst part of the whole thing is rather than channeling that energy into something positive, I spent the whole day bouncing back and forth between tabs opened in my internet window (hotmail- nothing, facebook- rien (nothing in French), goodreads- niente, blogger- you guessed it! Nada! And then the vicious cycle would begin all over again, with an occasional playtime with my nephew, Tyler).
Before I knew it, it was time to go to my part time job at Barnes & Noble. The whole day was over and I had spent it waiting on an offer that did not come. As I drove to work my hopeful anticipation quickly dissipated into depression. All the negative self talk started to set in and it was looking like it was going to be a pretty miserable night: "You can't even get an administrative assistant job, how are you ever supposed to make a living? They're probably not hiring you because you are overweight... How can the stuff you know about be so useless in this world? Pretty soon you won't even be able to pay your bills... Why are you trying so hard to get a job at a place that you can feel proud of, life doesn't go that way for you... just hurry up and apply for a job where you feel like you're settling... that's all you deserve..." etc, etc, etc. Fun stuff, right?
Once I got to work (an hour early mind you, I had to get a coffee, something had to take me out of the whirlpool of my frantic social networking circle that I had been spiraling since the moment I woke up) a friend asked me to go grab a bite to eat before I officially had to clock in. Thank God! I was able to get out of my head for moment, and therefore lighten up!
Sitting here now, reflecting back on this day there are certainly a couple of red flags.
1. The way I talk to myself has to be coming across to others (perhaps this is why I can not quite seem to snag these jobs that I so desperately want). If I don't believe in myself- why should they? No amount of glittery nail polish or hair straightening products can hide my lack of self confidence. There is a quote that I got from one of my favorite blogs,
“Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will continue to act as you have always acted. If you continue to act as you have always acted, you will continue to get what you have always gotten. If you want different results in your life or your work, all you have to do is change your mind.”
Note to self: Change your thinking!!!
2. Rather than sitting and waiting for an answer, there are a number of things that I could have been doing to take me closer to my goals: I could have been applying for more jobs, no sense sitting around with all of my eggs in one basket; or I could have been working out which would clear my mind and release happy endorphins!
Note to self: Be proactive!!!
3. In changing my self talk I could have taken a moment to also trust in the process and the fact that cards will fall where they may and that the powers that be have always provided for me when I need them most. So as long as I'm doing the best that I can... have a little faith.
Note to self: Do the best you can and let go of things that you can not control!!!
Here's to tomorrow!