A few months ago I was laying in bed and I had an awful realization.  I realized that I have a ton of friends.  Hold it, that's not the awful part.  I realized that my schedule was constantly busy because I keep up with people from all walks of my life and it was becoming exhausting.  Still... this is not the awful part.  I would grab coffee with this friend, get dinner at the usual spot with this gal pal, take a stroll around Wash Park with my old room-mate, have dinner and a movie night with this friend and her family, meet for breakfast with this old co-worker, have a birthday dinner with the girls, etc, etc, etc.  And then the cycle would inevitably wrap up and it would be time to start re-scheduling all these events once more.  The whole thing is about a 3-5 month cycle.  I started wondering what all these people are doing with their lives when they are not with me, and when I really thought about it this was the awful realization:  They are living their lives.  Good for them!  But what does that say about me?  I am a friend that they see every three months or so, and for me they are another person in a string of people that I keep up with and this is my life!!

I thought about it as if it were a movie, what role do I play in these people's life, in the credits at the end of their movies starring them:

Karstee Davis...........................................................................................................................as an Extra

There you have it!  Depressing!  I thought of all of these people that I adore doing the same thing as me at that very moment... laying in bed... except they are with their spouses, their fiances, some of them with their children.  Some of the more ambitious ones were probably already up and off at boot camp.  They are planning their days...

Now don't get me wrong I don't feel sad because I wake up in my bed alone, and I don't envy these people or their happiness.  I love them, I want them to be happy.

But I also want me to be happy.  And yes, I love that they are all in my life, but I just wanted to level the playing field.  I thought about how much effort I put into these friendships and how much I get back.  Yes, I realize that I am the one that got up and moved to Boulder, but did that really mean that I needed to be driving down to Denver or Aurora every other day?

My little brother points out every holiday how his family (his wife and their sons) are his main focus and that sometimes they just want to spend a holiday with just them.  I think about my other siblings, and what happens when they find people and make their own lives... will they feel the same way?  What happens to me when I've made all these people my people and they all have their own people?

I know it seems as though I am getting ahead of myself... but why wait until it's too late???  I started to get anxiety picturing that someday I would be the last of my siblings still not married and that I would get the pity invites to their Thanksgiving dinners.  I could picture the arguments they would have with their spouses before I got there:

"She's my sister and she has no where else to go!"

Oy vey!
Quick:  How do I become the star of my own life???

Well, first thing is first, I needed to decide... Denver or Boulder?  Boulder.  I've been doing the same thing for 4 years in Denver and it hasn't gotten me anywhere closer to my goals.
Secondly, I need to find out what makes me happy, (without society and everyone else's definitions).
Third, I need to find balance:  While I don't want to make everyone else's life and time more important than my own, I also don't want to isolate myself so much that I end up even more alone than where I started.
And lastly, I need to be honest with myself about what I want.  Running from things and denying what I want clearly is not working for me.

So... what happens when a person finds themselves with more free time and a clearer definition of what they want out of life?

Stay tuned....