Acclamation & Motivation

I've been in my new place for 3 weeks today, it's cozy and I love it, even the imperfections.  There are windows that if I'm home then they are open- letting the sunlight and fresh air in, and then there are some windows that I've covered in curtains.  When I look out the open windows all I can see are trees, prompting the others in the complex to label my apartment "the treehouse", and even further upon seeing my style and taste calling it, "la treehouse" or as a French co-worker of mine clarified, "la cabane dans les arbres".  There is no TV, and there are a lot of books!  Not to say that when my friend that lives below me isn't home I'm not hopping on the internet to catch up on some show or another.  The kitchen still hasn't seen me cook a serious meal, and the bath tub still feels like someone else's (so needless to say, there have been no book/wine/jazz nights in the tub), the bathroom still hasn't seen me put on a full face of make up or actually do something to my hair besides the wash, scrunch, and go!

What I'm saying is that even though I'm in a new place and so much has changed- in some ways nothing really has.  I feel like a vagabond with each foot in a different world.  I guess that in some ways I'm still the girl that wants a dark bedroom, I'm also not ready to give up TV 100%, and I still haven't learned how to cook a proper meal for one.  On the other "foot" I'm meeting people that I never would have met before, I'm pushing myself on some of my OCD boundaries that I never really knew had such a strong hold on me.

While I'm extremely happy with the progress I've been making I felt like I was having a bit of a setback at first--- It probably didn't help matters that I moved out on my own for the very first time in my life about the same time that I was approaching my divorce/wedding anniversary.  When this day comes along I always analyze and criticize myself for where I am in life, and this year was no different.  So... this has me thinking- what can I do differently this year so that next year come August I don't even think about the fact that however many years ago I got married, or however many years ago I got divorced?

There is something that I realize I must master in order to ever move on and let go (and by this I don't mean from the actual person I was once married to, I mean from the disappointments and beliefs that I let myself turn into bigger issues than they ever should have been).

                                       I have got to learn to love myself and treat my body better than I do.

If I walk around believing that no man will ever love me again and that I'm not worth it because I have bad ovaries, then that is exactly what is going to happen.  Or worse... I'll find an equally sad individual to chip away at time together with and never actually feel what it's like to live boldly and passionately.  I have been walking around in a shell for 4 years, but really even longer than that and it is absolutely time to do something about it.

Pause... I NEED to go for a jog/walk.

I kid you not, this just happened.  I put on my jogging shorts and my nice running shoes that my brother bought me, and of course a pair of adidas knee socks (in my thinner days I loved to wear knee socks and in some ways my love affair with knee socks has never went away-  while my calves are double the size they once were when I slip a pair of knee socks on I instantly feel like an athlete).  Anyway, so I decided to go the route that a friend of mine mapped out for me (1 mile), the instant I started to jog I noticed 3 teenagers approaching me on the same side of the street that I was.  As we got closer and closer I could see that they looked like they could have just jumped out of Rolling Stone magazine circa the Seattle grunge era.  My mind was racing-- Should I stop jogging?  Cross the street?  Are they going to make fun of me shattering any trace of confidence that I might have remaining???  Shoot! My shorts are riding up?  What to do?  I decided to keep jogging and jog right past them with a half smile so as to let them know- I'm fragile, I'm nice, and I'm just trying to fit in this world just like you.  The first two didn't even make eye contact and the third one smiled back, lifted his fist in the air, and said genuinely, "keep up the good work".  Sigh!!!!  It gave me the motivation to run twice as far as I did last time before my lungs were crying for me to stop and my shins thought they might explode!  Thank you kid!!!