Friends + Family (The Holidays)= New Year's Resolutions

So tonight I got to thinking... who was the masochist that decided we would all make resolutions right after the holidays?  Seriously.  This holiday season has my head spinning.  First there is Thanksgiving, and this year to add to the craziness almost every retailer decided to open smack dab in the middle of Thanksgiving day for Black Friday shopping... add in a doozy of an argument between myself and the matriarch about disciplining children (in which I was reminded again that I don't have any) and that was enough to have me running for the hills until I had to show my face again for Birthday and Christmas festivities.

Which brings me to the middle of my Christmas/New Year's Holiday "staycation".  I normally like to take all the random days off in between the holidays and weekends because I feel I get to maximize my time off from work by doing this.  When I do this I like to stay down at my parent's because all my sisters are there and friends are in town and it's just easier to get around to those I want to visit.  Well the fiasco that was Thanksgiving 2013 is behind us but now I find myself in a peculiar place.  I have realized that being a 32 year old so dependent on the family I grew up in for my love, support and happiness is no longer enough.  Sure it's a cozy little nucleus most of the time but when things go off the rails it only serves as a reminder to me that if I would move on and make my own life I wouldn't have to feel like the drama effects me so much.

On Christmas Eve we broke out the old home videos, think 1999-2001 and all I could think looking at myself was, I used to be much more quiet and reserved.  I was a whole heck of a lot thinner.  I wore makeup.  I took care of myself for the most part.  So here I am with my 18-20 year old self in front of me right on the eve of a New Year and all I can think is... if I go to the gym everyday maybe someday I can be that size again.

I also have had the chance this break to meet up with old friends- friends who have known me "pre-marriage" and I'm getting the feeling that my grace period has ran out.  It was ok the year of my divorce when I felt I couldn't even breathe, and the couple years after that it was acceptable to "not have any money" or to "be scared shitless to date" and then there was that year that I was looking for a job and that was the main focus.  But now things have been pretty steady for the past couple years, and with a few car problems aside the excuses have ran out and while some friends are more gentle when they ask, "Really? You haven't found anyone that you'd want to date?" Some friends have shown a little tough love asking the really hard questions, "what do you want?  You want to be a travel writer?  You have to travel to do that!  So what are you going to do?"

I'm not mad at my friends for asking me these questions, I'm glad I have family and friends who know where I've been and know that I'm capable of so much more than what I have been doing with my life lately.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I have a job and can make ends meet, but there has got to be so much more than the life that I am setting myself up to have.

I don't want to be the girl that got divorced and never knew the love of a man again, I don't want to be the daughter that is always reminded that she doesn't have kids, I don't want to be the girl that makes the same goals every year and everyone knows that she won't accomplish them or change.

So... we go through all these visits with family and friends, we're reminded of who we once were before hearts were broken, before we gave up on ourselves, and before we stopped dreaming of bigger things.  And then we are faced with a New Year, a promise of a chance to begin anew!  Does anyone else see this as a crazy equation?!?!?!?!

So this next year, I want to push myself.  That's it.  I don't want to make any grandiose statements of what pushing myself entails but I want to be kind to myself but with a firm resolve.  I'm tired of beating myself up for being overweight, I'm tired of counting off the years since I last made love to someone, I'm tired of being the girl whose self worth comes from an alcoholic father, a husband who walked away and a couple of rotten ovaries.  So instead of curling up and watching re-runs or eating food that comforts me in the moment I'm going to be kind to myself in other ways and push through all the emotions and bullshit until I find what I really want, because the only thing that I do know for sure is that the status quo hasn't been cutting it and I'm finally far enough away from the main source of hurt that I can see it's time to force myself to push.  Stay tuned.