Today I start a journey that many have told me will change my life. Here's hoping. Not that there is anything particularly wrong with my life, but at the same time it feels a little bit like everything is wrong with it.
I plan on being pretty open and personal in these blog posts... I hope that's ok.
I'm a person who rounds things up. When I was 33, I was damn dear 35. And now that I'm 36 (almost 37), I'm damn near 40. When it had been 8 years since I had been loved physically... I constantly said it had been a decade. But in just a matter of days it really will have been a decade.
A decade since someone has kissed my neck, breathed lustily into my ear, massaged my back.
I'd grown to believe that I wasn't worthy. That I'm too gross. That I'm too broken.
I've been doing a lot of work to dispel those stories. I'm trying really hard to believe that I am lovable just as I am. Right now. That I'm worthy of someone's time.
When this year started a lot of my friends were picking a word that they want to define this year. Nothing was coming to me... until a couple of weekends ago.
I was due to go on this goals hike, but I woke up to snow. I decided to go anyways. But before I was even outside of the neighborhood I turned back around. Got home, was standing at my door knowing that inside was comfort- warmth, books, coffee. But I had this nagging voice telling me that this year was asking me to do more, that if I didn't go on this hike I would regret it.
This year is calling me to be...
To go on the hike (even if it means you will fall down and hurt your ankle).
To do the yoga teacher training (even when you hear that your light, your mentor is taking a different path).
To message that woman that has kids and is mending her own broken heart (even though you are scared of about a million things).
To ask for that promotion.
To make myself a priority.
So, day 1.
I'm also trying to implement a gluten free, caffeine free, plant based diet. (The endometriosis course that you all funded highly recommends trying this lifestyle.)
*Update: I totally cheated at lunch and had Feta on my salad, and I had a whole milk latte before training started— 10 pm though people! That’s how late the training goes until!*
I'm also trying to limit my social media (besides these posts). I don't want any outside factors affecting what I'm learning or feeling. I already know this is going to be easier said than done.
I'm also going to go on a hiatus from all political podcasts, and only listen to music or podcasts that are about well-being.
So far I've done 7 (including today) yoga classes towards my goal of 60.
2PM- Went to class for the first time since I rolled my ankle. It was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I guess I have more healing to do. And I might have to adjust some of my expectations as far as some goals I had. I thought I was really going to push my body, but maybe I'm just going to inhabit my body and listen to it. Maybe instead of nailing poses, I work on my core more. It was uncanny that the teacher said something about the core being our center that keeps us from hurting ourselves (if it's strong) and that it is where we build our courage. She also said that "it is ok to be vulnerable." I really needed to hear that today.
11:50PM- Ok- first training session down in the books. 7-10pm. We didn’t practice tonight, it was more of an introduction to each other and to our course manual. First initial thoughts, it might be easy to slide into a comfort zone (which is something I don’t want to do— meaning sticking more to the classes I’m comfortable with), but on the other hand since my foot is still so sore it’s nice to know that there is that safety net and that I don’t need to go to 50 Sculpt classes if I don’t want to. I also think the group seems to be a good balance of men & women, older & younger peeps. It seems like everyone’s experience is varied. I’m looking forward to learning from all of these people.
Ok- that’s it. I’ve got to go to bed! Good night!